Signatures later

I sometimes underestimate myself but very seldom do I overestimate myself. Few weekends ago I was guilty of some overestimization, which is a word. I had too much. I attended a wedding and ended up putting whiskey glasses on the lamps in the pathways. Let me start at the beginning.

I was invited to a wedding of the girl I attended my matric dance with. We were never in a formal relationship but I sometimes think she wanted to touch my pecs. Anyway I accepted the invitation and off we went. The ceremony was held in a sandy road at a hotel near Nylstroom. For those not familiar with Nylstroom it is very much like New York, in the sense that there are real people. New York is a famous city in USA named after the founder, Ren New York e Terrier. It was built close to the Statue of Liberty which was placed there later. The whole chicken and egg story.

Anyway the ceremony started the afternoon and finished with a fair amount of sunlight still left in the day. We had some drinks; I had some beers being a proper alpha male I needed to present myself as such. I had forgotten that I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. After the second beer I remembered the lack of recent sustenance and started being more vigilant for girls wanting to take advantage of me.

We were seated at our tables and were served salmon or maybe carpaccio. The toasts started and before I knew I had consumed a glass of champagne another beer and a glass of red wine. Some say you shouldn’t mix your alcohol but I say put on the music, close the curtains, take of your hat a let’s straighten some hair. Or that is what I would have said if you asked me then..

The dance floor was opened and I moved like George Michael on ecstasy – manly with a hint of sensitivity.

The girls that I carpooled with told me about the one bridesmaid being an absolute bitch. According to them she was intimidating and hard to like. I felt a connection. She was standing at the bar with the bride so I moved into the bar area, behind the bar, and asked her if she was single knowing that she wasn’t. The look I got would scare some into wetting their pants but I thrive on sexual tension, more commonly referred to as conflict. I told her we should go dance, she refused so I offered her money, she accepted. Suffice to say she was immediately impressed by the way I moved. She told me this. I kid you not, in all honesty, she said: “who taught you to dance?” I then replied “it’s a long story but in short, wolves. If you really want to know there was a movie made about me and my journey towards dancing perfection. It’s called Dances with Wolves.” I didn’t elaborate because I am not fond of it when people call me Mowgli and think it is funny.

As the night progressed people started buying me shooters and beers and wine and I bought myself whiskey. Whiskey is the drink that prevented the Scots from invading Isle of Man, it also was the drink that kept the plane from going down in The Gods Must be Crazy. I was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol and acted accordingly. The best way to describe this is that you feel that all women find you to be great conversation and a deep camaraderie is born between all men. For instance, I spoke to a guy I met earlier and after five minutes he told me to go for a drive in his brand new Sirocco. I also had random guys buying me drinks, although that might be due to their attraction to my George Michael persona.

I was starting to win all of the dance off’s and most of the bets. (Yes I knew it was Kim Carnes who sang Betty Davis Eyes) I decided I needed to go to bed. On my way to my room I noticed I was carrying two whiskey glasses. They were kind of full. So I stored them on the lamps leading to my room believe wholeheartedly that I would consume it the next morning.

After my shower I noticed I was surprisingly dizzy, I had no idea why.

The next morning I woke up and had a bit of a headache. It might have been related to the dizziness I had felt the night. I phoned my sister, she is a nurse, and asked her about my symptoms. She told me I was drunk and I told her she had wasted money on her degree in the light of the ridiculous diagnoses. Denial. I apologized later and she accepted. We have a very understanding relationship.

I had another shower and we went for breakfast. I was greeted very heartedly by everyone. I had obviously made a fantastic impression, which is unlike me. Even my carpoolers, that I have known for most of my young life, was surprised by the number of people who came to greet me the morning, especially when the bitch walked over and with a huge smile greeted me. She might have seen Dances with Wolves.

It was a very nice wedding and I had made many memories. I had met people who wants me to drive their car when I am drunk; I had bitches warm up to me and even proudly announced that Kim Carnes sang Betty Davis Eyes. Most importantly, I feel, I had realized that when you store whiskey to be consumed later you should jot it down on your arm or maybe set a reminder on your phone. You never know when you might crash into the Kalahari and make friends with some clicky people.